Interview with an Ally: Carami

Name: Carami

Race/Ethnicity: Black

Gender: Female

Religion: agnostic

When and how did you first decide to be a heterosexual?: Being a hetero wasn't a very difficult decision to make. In many ways it was made for me, as from childhood it was assumed by my parents that I would enjoy wearing pink PJ's and that I would like having my ears pierced, and that I was somehow in love with every boy I chose to give a hard time to. My sexuality has always been assumed because of my gender, and since I had no particularly strong opposition to liking men, I went along with it.

To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?: Disclosing my tendency to like men was an important part of bonding for me as a preteen and teenager. Pining over a guy my friends and I all found attractive was exciting and fascinating for us, and it was encouraged to do so...in many ways I think by doing this we were fulfilling the expectations adults had for us at this age. Being infatuated with boys made us feel like we were doing something right, like following the images of the perfect white girls on TV who were falling in and out of all sorts of love with their perfect white male counterparts while divulging the woes of infatuation to their friends. 

Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?: I dont know if I will ever grow out of being a Heterosexual. It is difficult to say. Although it has never been my reaction to find women as viscerally fascinating as men happen to be, I don't want to reject the possibility that my one true love could be a woman. If I meet the perfect person for me, and they also have a vagina, should I deny myself that happiness? The romantic in me says "No". The overly-socialized part of me says "Absolutely." Either way it ends up a tragedy.

What do you think caused your heterosexuality?: What has caused my sexuality is something I often think about. I wonder to what degree its natural and to what degree it isn't. I mean, if my mother hadn't put ribbons in my hair and dressed me in skirts and praised my appearance in them, would I intrinsically feel pretty wearing them? How natural is it for me to be completely unattracted to women? Did I somehow learn that the congruence of a male/ female relationship was absolutely right, or was it already understood inside of me the same way Ive always known that I've disliked pain. Now much do the paths of learning and Nature affect each other here? I simply cannot say. I think Im learning though, everyday that straying from the path of heterosexuality is not something anyone wants me to do. Im getting winks that somehow Im on the right path to my true sexual self.

Special thanks to Carami for her courage and insight!

*Questions taken from the Heterosexuality Questionnaire, Attributed to Martin Rochlin, PhD, January 1977*

-Harvey